The liquor one killed me

(Source: vicious-seamonkey, via tommy-y0)

  • if i was a doctor
  • hot guy: i sprained my wrist
  • me: okay take off your underwear

Life update since tumblr seems to be my only outlet, and complete strangers seem to listen and give better advice then most of my friends.
Well to start with today. The nightmares continue. The thought of you ever leaving my brain doesn’t seem relevant anytime soon, not even in my sleep which was the only time I thought I was at peace with myself. I wish I could wash away our memories as easy as the scent of a cigarette from my fingertips. But unfortunately its not.

By mid-day Talked to my brother who I haven’t really heard from recently. He’s been in and out of jail for his alcoholism, he stress’ my mother and I out to the point that I’m so surprised I haven’t ripped all my hair out yet. I just wish he would open his eyes and see that there is more to life than the bottom of a bottle. I can’t handle hearing him say. “Wait til my death certificate arrives in the mail” or “your never going to see me again. This is the end of me” it hurts. It cuts fast and it cuts deep.

By about 6ish I found out a very close family member has Lung cancer. I went to the hospital. Visited shared stories and lessons learned. Its heart breaking seeing another family member so close being sick and burdened by cancer. After losing my father to it, all just seems to real to think it can happen to even the strongest and healthiest of people.

By the time I got home my brother continuously called me to bring him money and open my loving arms. But I denied him and told him straight forward. “I can’t do it. Every time I do open my loving arms you turn around and slap me with them. As well as mom” he then turned it back on me stating “I’m a selfish 21 year old cunt” and every other name in the book. Repeatedly breaking me down and verbally beating me.

I can’t take anymore, the one person who I want to talk to, will just ignore me til the night is through. The one person who can say its going to be okay and take every ounce of pain away could care less. I’m so tempted to call or text you but I just can’t bare the thought of being ignored right now. It’s like. Why bother. As result I go to tumblr.

When does endless pain and negativity leave me alone? A girl can handle only so much at once.

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